StElred

...Nothing quite makes a mans balls drop quicker than impending death.  Way better than that liquid courage bullshit: alcohol.  I can see it now. All it would take is faulty landing gear to scream out, "You're absolutely beautiful and I wanna go down on you!" to her.

Then I'd immediately follow that with, "...and if we survive this I'd love to explore other similar options with you!"  Then as everyone proceeded into some balance between the shock over what they've just heard and the overwhelming terror of impending death, I'd start laughing hysterically, surprised that no one else making like-wise confessions.

I would only hope that in this distressed and emotional state she'd fulfill my request.  With me going down on her in some terrifying, frantic, beautifully awkward oblivion.

So no shit here I am in Kuwait...FUCKING KUWAIT...using free internet access 30 minutes at a time...typing on a keyboard with most of the letters faded so you can't see them, relying on only my vast memorization of the us standard keyboard....

So i t still hasn't hit me that I'm in a "combat zone" yet.  Perhaps once I hear the first mortar hit, then it'll be apparent that I'm not home.  Because you see, Kuwait is much like Arizona really.  So yeah...this is totally awesome.....

I...don't know...what's happening to me.  I feel so scared...and I can't remember the last time I was this scared.  Bad waves of paranoia, madness, fear and loathing - intolerable vibrations in this fucking town.  I fear that this may be the end of me, this deployment.  Why am I so scared?  Am I more afraid of death than I thought?  Perhaps its the fear of dying alone.  Perhaps its dying for no reason that scares me.  I'm samurai goddammit.  I need someone to serve.  If my life was to serve one person, that I could give my life for, that I loved intensely, then perhaps it wouldn't be so bad.  At least my life would serve some purpose.  And if I don't die in Iraq, what would be next?  More loneliness?  Would this deployment even be worth surviving?  I mean really...have I really failed that much at life that I even have to ask this question?  I want to tell someone but I don't know who.  I guess its easier to tell someone who don't know your secrets than people you know:  No one that knows you enough to judge.  That's why some gay people come out to the people at the drive-through window at Burger King.

I don't even feel human anymore.  People seem strange.  Who are these fucking people?  I keep looking at people and think, "Really?  This is what I'm supposed to be?  Is this how I should act?"  It makes no sense to me.  I feel so much like an outsider looking in.  My silent anonymous life has left me unable to tell the difference between some sort of wild breeding beast and a human.  Is there a difference?  Can I trust these people?  How do I communicate with this creature?  Do I need to study these beings more?

I feel so out of touch with my own species.  Would it be different if I were an alpha male?  Would it be easier?  Would communication come more naturally to me?  I ask because I know that I am by no means an alpha male.  My biggest problem though is that I see others like me, non-alphas, breeding, weakening, polluting, no, poisoning our gene pool with further decadence.  I know my place in this mad house, why can't others?  I AM a weak link.  Why pretend?  I know my genetic programming is telling me to reproduce, reproduce, reproduce, reproduce, reproduce.  With that in mind, is my goal to become an alpha male?  Am I not naive enough to pull off the facade of male domination?  What makes an alpha male in this species anyway?  I may not know an alpha male when I see him, but I know he's nothing like me.

All in all I feel kinda scared, that I'm so out of touch with people that I'm more of a beast than human.  My biggest fear is that I'm too attached to this accursed programming to break it.  I want to feel no emotion.  I want to break free of the pain of being a human.  This pretending I go through day in and day out, trying to fool people into believing I'm one of them.  I want to slip into psychosis.  I want to slip into something more comfortable, a species of my own: wild, violent and free of this fucking madness these people go through.